Tuesday Night is Curry Night

Tonight Velouria and I had a lovely credit crunching cheap curry by the fair hand of ASDA. And marvellous it was too. As the end of January is fast approaching, Rio and Velouria felt it only fair to bring up the thorny issue of New Year's Resolutions. Clearly, anyone we like would have broken all of theirs by January 4th at the outside. Therefore, we offer these potential resolutions to people who have probably been too busy to create their own.

In an online blogtastic lovefest we are joined electronically by Highwaylass via the medium of Skype.

The resolutions we suggest are:

1. Natasha Bedingfield to embrace silence.
2. Kate Moss to have a sandwich (with butter but no coke)
3. Barack Obama to not get shot
4. Madonna to dodge leotards and super-glue her ankles together
5. Russell Brand to burn in hell
6. Chris Moyles to shut up and fuck off (courtesy of a guest appearance by Highwaylass).
7. Doctor Who to attain puberty
8. Jimmy Carr. Just don't.
9. Anyone who says 'in terms of' to disembowel themselves with rusty spears
10. The Ting Tings to learn a new song
11. Katy Perry to munch a rug and like it
12. Jodie Marsh to stand near to a candle and melt into oblivion
13. Angelina Jolie to buy a white child
14. Tyra Banks to be president of the universe
15. Orange cokeheads not to be shagged by sour sheep

Your turn: what resolutions should be made, and by whom?

Tuesday Night is Curr-istmas night (the 25th)

Tonight Velouria and Rio have thrown caution and financial solvency to the wind and had not just a Christmas meal, but a Marks and Spencers Christmas meal. This involved remarkably posh nut roast, veggies, leeks in Gloucester cheese sauce and Yorkshire pud. For pudding we had Christmas mulled fruit crumble and Armagnac crean which was so good we did pseudo-sex noises throughout it.

Tonight's topic: Ree and Vee's 12 days of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me a frozen strawberry daiquiri
On the second day of Christmas my true love sent to me two leather thongs
On the third day of Christmas my true love sent to me three hot men
On the fourth day of Christmas my true love sent to me four brawling birds
On the fifth day of Christmas my true love sent to me five sore rings
On the sixth day of Christmas my true love sent to me six Gin and Tonics
On the seventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me seven muffs a-trimming
On the eighth day of Christmas my true love sent to me eight chavs a-blinging
On the ninth day of Christmas my true love sent to me nine boils a-lancing
On the tenth day of Christmas my true love sent to me ten lads a-leching
On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me eleven arseholes parping
On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love sent to me twelve armpits humming

Sadly this wasn't a podcast as Velouria just sang this modern classic beautifully and Rio howled through like a tone-deaf badger with the rhythmic ability of a drunk uncle at a wedding, dancing to Natasha Bedingfield.

Your turn: can you think of any alternative lines?

Tuesday Night is Curry Night - The Seventh Seal

After a difficult couple of days Rio was very lazy and ordered a veritable pile of Indian takeaway from the local emporium. It was yummy.

Tonight's blog is going to be a tribute and the topic is: The Best Things about Grandparents.

1. They take you shopping and you always come back with the same amount of money you went out with but loads of treats.
2. They bung you a hundred euros when you are going on holiday.
3. They have a special soap smell that nobody else has.
4. They send you food parcels even after you have left University and have famillies of your own.
5. They treat your parents like children.
6. They always take your side against your parents, even when they know that (a) this is something they shouldn't do (b) you are in the wrong.
7. Their cupboards are full of far better biscuits and cakes than anyone else's.
8. They can do 37 cards at once at bingo.
9. They know more about everything than anyone else and anyone who questions it is wrong.
10. They have fridge magnets about their grandchildren saying things like 'I love my grandchildren so much that I should have had them first'.
11. They go to jumble sales and even run stalls there.
12. Aprons and novelty tea trays.

RIP Nan. xxxxx

Tuesday Night is Curry night - the 6ixth

Tonight, Velouria and Rio have had jalfrezi and lentil makhani (that tasted like refried beans, but in a good way). Before the flatulence kicks in we wish to share tonight's topic:

Velouria and Rio's Literacy Hour

These are our favourite words in an A-Z styleeee:

1. Ampersand
2. Balderdash
3. Catharsis
4. Driech
5. Encapsulate
6. Flatulence
7. Gringo
8. Hirsute
9. Icthyosaur
10. Jaffa
11. Kindergarten
12. Luscious
13. Moribund
14. Nincompoop
15. Orifice
16. Priapic
17. Quim
18. Rebarbative
19. Shenanigans
20. Turgid
21. Ululate
22. Voluminous
23. Waggle
24. Xerox
25. Yiddish
26. Zanzibar

This is from 'The Glass Slipper' and is a good instruction manual on how to properly relish words that you like (at about 2 minutes in)

Your turn: which words do you absolutely love?

Tuesday Night is Curry Night - V

Last week Velouria and I had to disapppoint our avid fans, of whom we have none, as we were attempting to break Europe. Velouria was in Paris and Rio was in Portugal.

Unfortunately tonight's topic will have a macabre and scatalogical bent as Vee has unwisely poisoned herself with sodium nitrate. Or copper oxide. Either way science teachers should know better than to lick their fingers during chem practicals.

Tonight's topic: Too much information, frankly.

For reasons of anonymity we are not going to admit which of Velouria or Rio the following pieces of information relate to.

1. One of us followed through after eating a egg mayo sandwich. On her honeymoon. Then had to leg it across a train station to find the only public convenience was a nasty hole in the ground.
2. On being with a new chap for a mere matter of weeks one of us spent the whole night having explosive diarrhoea after consuming an entire punnet of cherries, one of strawberries and a full tub of Cherry Garcia ice cream.
3. One of us has just done a silent and deadly fart.
4. One of us had a very, very, very loud and prolonged fanny fart whilst doing a plough headstand during a yoga session. It was probably audible from space.
5. One is mortified that the other one has admitted to that online when clearly not drunk.
6. One of us habitually falls asleep in public conveniences when pissed.
7. One of us has done rude nasties in the same room as a major Hollywood film star (but not with said film star).
8. One of us has done nastiness in the top of a bunk bed whilst there was some other poor soul in the bunk below.
9. One of us went to see Bucks Fizz. Twice.
10. One of us went on a coach trip to Whitley Bay ice-rink to watch Torville and Dean.
11. One of us ate tonnes of curry and drank lots of red wine and then threw up in somebody else's shower cubicle. The chunks blocked the drain.
12. One of us passed out on the stairs at Uni with alcohol poisoning but was cleverly revived by a barrister chum who poured red wine down her.
13. One of us told a previous boss to shove his job up his arse. N.b. she did not call him a c u next Tuesday as the urban legend surrounding this incident relates.
14. One of us lost her nose ring on the floor next to her boss's desk when on the premises illicitly late at night on Easter weekend because she thought it would be really, really funny to get off with someone in his office. Two years later she was horrified to be put in the same team as the person who assisted in the losing of said nose ring.
15. One of us was bought a drink and chatted up by a random midlander in a club, only to have his sister to visit the staffroom on Monday morning to say 'hello', and then for him to turn out to be her new gym instructor a year later, starting the session by asking innocently: 'don't I know you from somewhere?'.

That was, as we are certain you will agree, FAR too much information.

Your turn: anonymously post something that really ought never to be disclosed.

Tuesday Night is Curry Night - episode 4

Tonight's blog is sponsored by Sainsbury's Tadka Dhal, Saag Paneer, Bombay potatoes and pilau, accompanied by mini-naan. It is faintly gaseous in this abode.

10 things that make us happy

Velouria is made happy by:

1. Paris - every single last thing about it, even the bad bits.
2. Cocktails, especially daiquiries
3. City lights at night
4. Stained glass windows with sun shining through
5. Stationery - much and varied
6. Big funky Orla Kiely patterns, especially on handbags.
7. Sunshine
8. Finding a pound in your pocket
9. Strictly Come Dancing
10. Having nothing to do but lie still, eat chocolate and listen to my ipod.

Rio is made happy by:

1. Inventing long and witty conversations in my head and often letting the associated thoughts show on my face, to the confusion of passers-by.
2. Putting my feet into the cold corners of the duvet
3. Staring out of the window on trains (especially in tunnels)
4. The sound of rain falling on the outside of tents in the middle of the night
5. Sudden hail storms on bright days
6. Writing, especially if I can crack out a quality pun.
7. When my son gets words wrong
8. Cheese and onion pasties
9. The smell of my own skin on warm days
10. Adventures late at night in big cities

Spot the linguist, spot the scientist.

Your turn: what makes you happy?

Tuesday Night is Curry Night - part 3

Tonight's blog is brought to you by the power of mushroom and courgette korma and a quorn tikka masala, made by Velouria's little paws. Indeed, Vee could teach you to make a graph showing the fat, protein and carbohydrate value of the dinner but that would be just frightening.

Tonight's topic: Top Guilty Pleasure Choons

Velouria's:

1. Go Your Own Way - Fleetwood Mac
2. Umbrella - Rihanna (it's raining tonight. Blame Velouria for this)
3. Here you come again - Dolly Parton
4. Galveston - Glenn Campbell
5. Since U been gone - Kelly Clarkson
6. Toxic - Britney Spears
7. Close to You - The Carpenters
8. Rush Hour - Jane Wiedlin
9. Only You - Flying Pickets
10. Twenty Four Hours from Tulsa - Gene Pitney.

Velouria is in a contentious mood and told me that I'm not allowed to simply list out ten Duran Duran songs. I pointed out that Duran are NOT guilty pleasures, in fact they are a New Religion (see what I did there?) and hence a perfectly acceptable pleasure. Her riposte? Maybe not for you, only for the other 6 billion people on the planet. Next week her curry will be accompanied by the gentle sounds of Natasha Bedingfield in revenge.

Rio's:

1. Final Countdown - Europe
2. Living on a Prayer - Bon Jovi
3. Maneater - Hall and Oates
4. Never Gonna Give you Up - Rick Astley (I'm not Rickrolling, I've always loved him)
5. The Frog Chorus - Paul McCartney
6. Too Shy - Kajagoogoo
7. Gold - Spandau Ballet (as a Duranie I am not supposed to like der Ballet)
8. Time of my Life - Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes
9. Islands in the Stream - Dolly'n'Kenny
10. Fame - The Kids from Fame

Your turn: which songs get you up on the dancefloor, howling like an over-excitable banshee? You can post anonymously but Velouria and I will just check where you posted from and work out who you are.

Tuesday night is Curry Night - no 2

As promised, tonight's Curry Night is brought to you by saag aloo, vegetable dhansak, mushroom pilau, paneer saag and huge naan. Velouria is prone on the sofa nursing what can only be described as a curry pregnancy.

Here's tonight's list: Those That We Shouldn't But We Would.

We tried to find an online Venn diagram generator to show where we both agree but failed miserably.

Velouria and Rio both would:

1. Gene Hunt, with him wearing his camel coat throughout
2. Paulie Bleeker, wearing the headband throughout
3. Reece Shearsmith, but not as Edward. Because that's just a bit too wrong.
4. Stuart Maconie despite being from 'the other side' (in unison we both howled 'especially with all those records'. Frankly, we're little short of vinyl whores).
5. Louis Theroux despite being far too posh

Velouria would, but Rio wouldn't:

1. Mark Lamarr (rude, clever and funny)
2. Justin Lee Collins (hairy and funny)
3. Dylan Moran (dirty and funny)
4. Eric Cantona (rude, French and fit)
5. Uma Thurman (fit)

Rio would, but Velouria wouldn't:

1. Jarvis Cocker, particularly in the 'Help the Aged' period.
2. The entire DIY SOS team, starting with Nick Knowles, working through everyone else (except for Billy) and finishing up on Nick Knowles again.
3. Simon Amstell (I don't care that he's gay)
4. Matthew Collins (despite the fact he looks exactly like my ex)
5. Madonna in the 'Like a Virgin' period (I don't care that I'm not gay)

Best rudery of the evening: 'Ray Mears, because he'd look after me in the forest and be up for a bit of bushcraft'. Blame Velouria, not me.

Next week: Guilty Pleasure Choons and Velouria is making curry (with ready-made sauce).

Your turn: feel the love. On whom do you have a wholly inappropriate and quite queasy crush? Post anonymously.

Tuesday Night is Curry Night

Tonight's topic is what we would put in Room 101. (By the way we ate vegetable pathia, dhansak, plain naan, chapatti and a pilau coloured in a manner no natural foodstuff has ever been).

Velouria's Room 101 wishlist is:

1. The entire Bedingfield family
2. Tracey Emin and that buttock-clenching post-modernist claptrap ("she is a lout" Brian Sewell)
3. Licorice
4. All Saints studded belts
5. People that try to high five you, especially those aged under 16
6. Pretentious marketing speak
7. Sandals All Inclusive Resorts and anyone who would actually go there

My list is:

1. Freddie Mercury
2. Small beige houses
3. Foof belt skirts
4. The food served by Betty's Tea Rooms which tastes delicious but makes you feel sick for hours afterwards
5. Personal statements that start "I have wanted to study Logic and Metaphysics since I was an four years old...". No, you haven't.
6. The phrase 'in terms of'
7. Men who steer their girlfriends by putting their hand proprietally in the girlfriend's lower mid-back.
   

Next week's list will be brought to you by an unknown, but voluminous, quantity of Indian Food and Top Ten Totty That You Shouldn't But You Would.

Your turn: please comment on what would be in your Room 101. Velouria would appreciate it if someone would pop X-Factor in as she's run out of options.