Tuesday Night is Curr-istmas night (the 25th)

Tonight Velouria and Rio have thrown caution and financial solvency to the wind and had not just a Christmas meal, but a Marks and Spencers Christmas meal. This involved remarkably posh nut roast, veggies, leeks in Gloucester cheese sauce and Yorkshire pud. For pudding we had Christmas mulled fruit crumble and Armagnac crean which was so good we did pseudo-sex noises throughout it.

Tonight's topic: Ree and Vee's 12 days of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me a frozen strawberry daiquiri
On the second day of Christmas my true love sent to me two leather thongs
On the third day of Christmas my true love sent to me three hot men
On the fourth day of Christmas my true love sent to me four brawling birds
On the fifth day of Christmas my true love sent to me five sore rings
On the sixth day of Christmas my true love sent to me six Gin and Tonics
On the seventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me seven muffs a-trimming
On the eighth day of Christmas my true love sent to me eight chavs a-blinging
On the ninth day of Christmas my true love sent to me nine boils a-lancing
On the tenth day of Christmas my true love sent to me ten lads a-leching
On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me eleven arseholes parping
On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love sent to me twelve armpits humming

Sadly this wasn't a podcast as Velouria just sang this modern classic beautifully and Rio howled through like a tone-deaf badger with the rhythmic ability of a drunk uncle at a wedding, dancing to Natasha Bedingfield.

Your turn: can you think of any alternative lines?

Tuesday Night is Curry Night - V

Last week Velouria and I had to disapppoint our avid fans, of whom we have none, as we were attempting to break Europe. Velouria was in Paris and Rio was in Portugal.

Unfortunately tonight's topic will have a macabre and scatalogical bent as Vee has unwisely poisoned herself with sodium nitrate. Or copper oxide. Either way science teachers should know better than to lick their fingers during chem practicals.

Tonight's topic: Too much information, frankly.

For reasons of anonymity we are not going to admit which of Velouria or Rio the following pieces of information relate to.

1. One of us followed through after eating a egg mayo sandwich. On her honeymoon. Then had to leg it across a train station to find the only public convenience was a nasty hole in the ground.
2. On being with a new chap for a mere matter of weeks one of us spent the whole night having explosive diarrhoea after consuming an entire punnet of cherries, one of strawberries and a full tub of Cherry Garcia ice cream.
3. One of us has just done a silent and deadly fart.
4. One of us had a very, very, very loud and prolonged fanny fart whilst doing a plough headstand during a yoga session. It was probably audible from space.
5. One is mortified that the other one has admitted to that online when clearly not drunk.
6. One of us habitually falls asleep in public conveniences when pissed.
7. One of us has done rude nasties in the same room as a major Hollywood film star (but not with said film star).
8. One of us has done nastiness in the top of a bunk bed whilst there was some other poor soul in the bunk below.
9. One of us went to see Bucks Fizz. Twice.
10. One of us went on a coach trip to Whitley Bay ice-rink to watch Torville and Dean.
11. One of us ate tonnes of curry and drank lots of red wine and then threw up in somebody else's shower cubicle. The chunks blocked the drain.
12. One of us passed out on the stairs at Uni with alcohol poisoning but was cleverly revived by a barrister chum who poured red wine down her.
13. One of us told a previous boss to shove his job up his arse. N.b. she did not call him a c u next Tuesday as the urban legend surrounding this incident relates.
14. One of us lost her nose ring on the floor next to her boss's desk when on the premises illicitly late at night on Easter weekend because she thought it would be really, really funny to get off with someone in his office. Two years later she was horrified to be put in the same team as the person who assisted in the losing of said nose ring.
15. One of us was bought a drink and chatted up by a random midlander in a club, only to have his sister to visit the staffroom on Monday morning to say 'hello', and then for him to turn out to be her new gym instructor a year later, starting the session by asking innocently: 'don't I know you from somewhere?'.

That was, as we are certain you will agree, FAR too much information.

Your turn: anonymously post something that really ought never to be disclosed.