You're my wife, now.

Many years ago my ex and I joked that after the exchange of rings at our wedding ceremony he was going to say 'you're my wife now' in the style of Papa Lazarou from 'League of Gentlemen'. We didn't. Indeed, it would be very hard to discern from his behaviour and attitude in the past two years that I was his wife in any meaningful form. But tonight he did say I was his 'wife'. How did we get to this outbreak of proprietary interest, hmmmn?

1. I'm looking pretty good these days. I saw a really dear friend on Saturday for the first time in ages. She said that I'd lost weight since the last time she saw me. In fact, I've piled on quite a few pounds to the point that all the buttons on my capri pants are pinging off quicker than hail on a tin roof. However, I appear thinner because I'm happy. Actually, I'm bloody happy. And a smile in the eyes and a bounce around the knees knocks about 4 inches off your visible arse. I'm patenting it as the 'Grin Plan Diet'.

2. I'm not jealous about his girlfriend any more. Indeed, I was asking cordially and with totally unfeigned interest about their trip to the Lakes at the weekend. Obviously this makes her a smidge less attractive as she's no longer forbidden fruit. Shame.

3. The old me is back. Another friend told me that splitting up with my ex has done wonders for my confidence and I'm a 'different person'. I had to tell her that I was always like this, it just got hidden under a misery duvet for the past few years. The old me used to get together with the girls and get thoroughly trolleyed a lot. Anyone who has seen my Facebook lately can see the reappearance of this phenomena.

4. He's jealous. Really wormy emerald-hued jealousy. Because I've got a date on Thursday. Artlessly, I asked him to babysit because, after all, I was always home looking after our son when he was off sniffing after his new girlfriend. In Berlin. For a week. Whilst we were properly married. Let me just check: oh yeah, he's moved out, he's going away for B&B weekends in the Lakes with her, and he's asked me for a divorce. So, really me going on a date isn't really a Mata Hari level of betrayal, is it?

So, he said that he was finding it hard that his 'wife' was going on a date. I informed him, kindly but firmly, that I'm his ex-wife. I'm not your wife now, because it's my life now.