Fuzzy Logic

Over the past couple of weeks I've kept thinking that I ought to do a blog-birthday post as I Miss 1985 was a year old on the 19th December and the main subject-matter of this blog (my marriage splitting up) dates back to the 30th December 2007. But I haven't really got round to writing those posts because those dates don't have the resonance I thought they would.

Humans have an odd tendency to see patterns. Give us a load of random ink-blots and we'll see a Toulouse Lautrec painting forming in front of us. We have 'lucky' pants (well, I don't. No, really, I don't). We believe that things will go wrong on Friday 13th. For me, my random pattern belief is that how my New Year's Eve goes will predestine how the following year will be.

Last New Year's Eve was dreadful. I drove back from the south coast on the 30th and rang my ex from some services on the M1. Instead of a cheery hello I got told that he'd cancelled our plans because things were going to be 'horrible'. I had absolutely NO warning that this was about to occur. And, Lord, was it horrible. New Year's Eve 2007 was spent with me crying hysterically whilst he said the cruelest things. He then disappeared off to go out with 'friends' (read 'new girlfriend') whilst I sobbed myself to sleep to the backdrop of fireworks exploding and people cheering. It was appalling.

So, if my random pattern belief is true then 2008 should have been equally as horrendous. I do have to say January and February were. But then things changed. I sorted my house out and although feng shui is another human random pattern belief it is a much more pleasant place to live. I made new friends. I went on lots and lots of holidays (three to Portugal and two to France). I rediscovered the wonders of having a social life. I ate lots of curry. I finally organised a reunion with my University friends. I watched my son cope with the breakup of his parents' marriage with aplomb. I wrote this blog and am endlessly touched that on average one hundred people read it a week. It was, if I dare say it, a good year.

So, despite proving to myself that random patterns are just that, I'm still trying to be a Delphic oracle and discern what 2009 might have in store. 'Louise' told me that 2009 will be 'my year'. Yesterday I went to see 'Peter Pan' at the theatre and left thinking that 2009 might well be an 'awfully big adventure'. I've got plans for tonight which involve my best friend and food - always a good combo.

So, I'm wishing you, and myself, a happier new year. xxx

In five years time...

Tonight I went to see a band, Noah and the Whale, at a venue called the Cockpit that I haven't been to for about eight years. But it was a place where I spent a lot of time in the past. In the mid 1990s I used to go to a club night there most weekends where I dressed up in little 60s dresses and lots of black eyeliner and danced to indie and brilliant 60s stuff like the Small Faces and the Yardbirds. I used to leave about 3:20 in the morning to catch the train back to York and would snigger loudly at Shed Seven (almost always on the same train) going on about their negotiations with Sony.

Some of my best 'ooh, I've met them' moments happened at the Cockpit. One night a friend and I went to see Super Furry Animals there and on the way along the street to get chips afterwards a tour bus screeched to a halt and the support band, The Diggers, invited us along to a party at the Marriott hotel. The details of the party are a bit sketchy now but I do remember running away from the police after the barman unwisely shut the bar without turning the pumps off...

The last time (before tonight) I was there was to see Pete Wylie, the Mighty Wah. It was round about the beginning of November 2000 and my ex and I had just come back from honeymoon. Pete signed the cd 'To _____ (me), not _____' (my ex) and thoroughly chatted me up. I lied and told Pete the song 'Sinful' had cured me from my Duran Duran fixation in the 80s. This is obviously untrue. At the time my ex was quite proud that Pete Wylie fancied his wife.

But, as this blog shows I didn't go out much after my marriage and I've not been to the Cockpit for a very long time. So it was great to go out on a school night, have a drink and see a band. A lot of the gig I spent thinking about times past until Noah and the Whale's Big Song 'Five years time' came on. And that made me think about my future. If you'd asked me this time last year what I'd be doing in five years time I would have said more of the same: working, sleeping, staying in and arguing with my ex. But now? Now, I'm interested to know, because whatever I am doing in five years time it will be very different.